Following these tips will make every trip to the airport a memorable experience — for all the wrong reasons.
Anyone who travels by air these days knows what a hassle it has become. I’ve tried in the past sharing tips on how to make things easier on themselves, but judging by what I see going on in airport security lines, I’m not sure it’s working.
So this time, I’m going to go 180 degrees the other way, and tell you how not to go smoothly through the lines.
This advice especially applies for those of you out there who crave attention every moment of the day. Follow these tips and you’re guaranteed to draw the fixed gaze of every other traveler behind you — not to mention every TSA inspector in sight:
1) Be spontaneous
The first step in every airport security check-in these days is a security officer who will ask to see your identification and boarding pass. You could have these documents in hand, ready to be quickly scanned and then be sent on your way — but how boring is that? Wait until you’re standing directly in front of the inspector — with scores of other travelers lined up behind you — to start fumbling about for your docs.
2) Dress to impress
You know you’re going to have to go through metal detectors, of course. Less imaginative travelers will have made sure that their flying clothes have nothing metallic on them anywhere. They’ll wear belts with plastic instead of metal buckles, or maybe even choose clothing that requires no belt whatsoever.
But not you. The airport is the perfect place to wear every piece of metal you own. Belt buckles the size of steaks. Hoop earrings big enough to drive a Scion through. Metallic baubles, bangles and beads over every inch of clothing.
And don’t forget those ultra-fashionable boots with all the metal buckles up to your knees, each of which you’ll have to undo to take them off — and yes, you will have to take them off to go through security.
But of course, you already knew that.
3) Load up
Remember those metal detectors? Who cares! Make sure your pockets are stuffed with spare change, your house keys, cell phone, anything with metal. I mean, you never know when you might need your house or your car keys on the airplane, right?
You could follow the example of the travelers who go through their pockets and put anything metallic in their carry-on bag before they even get in line, but who wants to bother with all that, right?
After all, once you’ve reached that walk-through metal detector, you’ll have plenty of time to fish and fumble through your pockets and purse as scores of other travelers — all of whom are as eager to get to their gates as you are — wait for you to do something you could’ve done already.
4) Attitude is everything
Some travelers bring a positive spirit and energy with them to the airport, understanding that airport security is shared suffering, a necessary evil that we have no choice but all get through together as best we can, with a minimum amount of hassles and drama. But that’s not you, right?
Airport security is the perfect place to get your swag or your diva on.
Forget all those thousands of other folks at the airport, trying to get on planes just like you are. The moment you step into the terminal, it’s all about YOU.
Don’t worry about keeping control over your bags. For that matter, make sure you bring suitcases the size of small cars as carry-ons. Bump into the folks in front of or behind you with your oversized carry-ons, the better to show off your traveling style.
Make terrorism and hijacking jokes in the presence of airport workers, airport police and TSA inspectors, none of whom have a sense of humor when it comes to this kind of humor.
Complain long and loudly about how slowly the line is moving, knowing that you yourself have done nothing to help accelerate the process. I mean, who are they to hold you up?
And when you’re traveling abroad and being held up by airport security screeners in some foreign airport, be sure to emphasize to them that you’re not just any old passenger. You’re an American citizen, by God!
Follow these tips and you’ll to make every trip to the airport a truly memorable experience, whether you want to remember it or not.